The first time I saw Josh Tillman (alias Father John Misty) live, he hammed it all the way up for a bunch of people who had maybe come out to see him but also maybe not, because it was a festival so maybe we were really there to see someone else. He didn’t care either way. I Love You, Honeybear — a concept album about falling in love and being made ridiculous by it — had just come out, and Tillman was clearly swimming around in its grandeur.
Tillman’s records since have been similarly huge, so I was taken immediately when last year, he released simple, unassuming two-song EP called To S. / To R. They’re gentle, subtle melodies, and because it’s just a pair they don’t threaten to overwhelm.
“To S.” surfaces the uncertainty of falling in love, the danger, the risk: “Guess what? I love you / but someone’s gotta clean up the mess,” Tillman sings over a dizzying synth landscape. A piano lingers languidly behind; someone strums a guitar a little. He’s not committing; he’s just not sure; what if it turns out badly?
“To R.” laughs at all that discomfort, struts in with a confident percussive line and a lightly swingy piano. Tillman’s voice sounds more sure, less desolate, as he sings “I found you once / I’ll find you again.” This is a true-love talking to someone who has wandered away, but he’s not mad — just sure she’ll come back.
Last week, I revisited To S. / To R. and was immediately struck by this duality. What exists in the space between uncertainty and certainty? What about between fear and commitment? And how is it that we are always so simultaneously sure of exactly opposite things — he loves me, he loves me not.
I wanted some answers, so I made a playlist.
Below is the track listing, with a little commentary on each song (apart from the two described above). I hope you enjoy it.
“To S.” - Father John Misty, To S. / To R. (2020)
“UFOF” - Big Thief, U.F.O.F. (2019)
I run hot and cold on Big Thief, but this song is just so fucking weird; I can’t stop listening to it. It also reminds me of Cat Stevens, the way the rhythm suddenly seizes up then unfurls.
“Fuji” - Luis Alberto Spinetta, Estrelicia (1997)
There is no studio version of this song, just this live recording. I had the CD of this record in my car when I was a teenager, and I would blast the shit out of it while driving to God knows where. I still have the CD, just no way to play it.
“Anthem” - Father John Misty, Anthem +3 (2021)
This is a Leonard Cohen cover, and the arrangement is full and nearly flawless, each delivery of “ring the bells that still can ring” more convincing than the last.
“Let Go” - Sharon Van Etten, from the film Feels Good Man (2020)
My friend Rachel told me this song is from a movie about the guy who invented Pepe the Frog. I have not seen this movie. I just like the way Sharon belts “now I’m letting go.” It feels like she means it.
“Scott Street” - Phoebe Bridgers, Stranger in the Alps (2017)
The line “Do you feel ashamed when you hear my name?” is ruthless no matter what end of its delivery you’re on.
“Trouble” - Cat Stevens, Mona Bone Jakon (1970)
I’d like to average the length of all of Cat Stevens’s songs; I bet it would be under three minutes.
“Bloodbuzz Ohio” - SOAK, Bloodbuzz Ohio (2019)
Shortly after I moved into my old apartment in Chicago, my friend Kyle took a video of me playing The National’s “Bloodbuzz Ohio” on an acoustic guitar while sitting on my yellow couch. It’s a funny video, and even though I flubbed twice, I was pretty pleased with myself and the performance. But this cover is what I wish I sounded like when I play that song.
“Today” - Fruit Bats, Siamese Dream (2021)
I can’t believe how good this cover is. This is what this song should’ve been from the get-go. My apologies to The Smashing Pumpkins, but I hope they are pleased someone figured out how to deliver the line “I want to turn you on” without sounding a complete dumbass.
“Thrill” - Future Islands, As Long as You Are (2020)
Future Islands have chilled out a little with this new record. This song is a perfect distillation of the whole vibe: sultry, seductive, makes you want to do a body-roll.
“To R.” - Father John Misty, To S. / To R. (2020)